In
relationships, we all have our fights, and having the occasional heated
debate with your significant other is even healthy. But when these
fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the arguments can quickly get out
of hand. Follow these 10 tips for effective anger management if you
want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.
1. Know when to make an exit. Remove yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the room, gracefully change the topic.
2. Exit earlier than you think you need to.
Exit when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to 10. By the
time you’re up over level four, exits will become increasingly
difficult. Self-righteous indignation will propel you to keep trying to
prove your point and will make your wants seem all-important. (As a
friend of mine once put it, “My anger makes what I want feel holy and
what you want is totally insignificant.”)
3. Change your focus. Phew.
You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now
what? Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid
further thoughts about the person.
4.
Evoke peace and laughter. Find something to think about that evokes
calm images or even laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a
beach.
5.
Breathe deeply. Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air
in your lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re
falling asleep in bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying
to douse your inner fire.
6. Relax your muscles. Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little muscles around your mouth and eyes.
7.
Put on a smile. Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles
soothe (even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings
of gratitude or affection.
8.
Test the waters. Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by
picturing yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about
pleasant topics before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your
partner are securely back in an emotionally light zone before venturing
again into sensitive realms.
9.
Make agreements. Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing on points made
by your significant other. Start the conversation by saying
empathetically, “I agree that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”
10.
Talk through the problem calmly and effectively, listening to the other
person’s point of view. Share your concerns on the tough issue, but
keep your tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that
work for both of you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep
in mind. Transition your sentences using the phrase “and at the same
time” and not the word “but.” (For example, “And at the same time, my
concern is … “) The word “and” is collaborative; “but” deletes whatever
was said just before and consequently could knock you both back into
adversarial hostile stances.
The
goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns,
not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper
tantrum (not sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of
which involve focus on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on
how to improve the situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming.
Focusing on what you don’t like about what the other person has done
will only cause more relationship problems.
Learn
these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about how to
communicate in intimate relationships and you just might find yourself
much more successful in making your relationships last. With the ability
to prevent and also to fix marriage and other other relationship
problems, you may even find yourself feeling increasingly secure and
self-confident.
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