Keep yourself from making the most common divorce-causing mistakes, like constant negativity.
After spending years working with couples and individuals who have been through a breakup or divorce,
it seems that there are problems that keep coming up over and over
again. Wouldn't it be good to know where to really concentrate our
efforts so we can give our marriages the best chance at survival?
Here are six marriage mistakes that can easily lead to divorce:
1. You talk to friends about the rotten thing you think your husband did to you.
Research suggests that friends are often more upset when they think
their bestie is being mistreated than when they're experiencing the same
mistreatment themselves. Besides, most of us don't really understand
how our conditioning and wiring as women differs from our husbands'
conditioning and wiring as men. That's why conversations about men with
female friends often lead to husband-bashing that helps nobody. The
solution is to limit talking about your marital problems to just two
people: For example, a trusted friend along with a coach or therapist.
2. You think that talking about these problems with your husband is the answer.
All too often, women think that talking to our husbands is the way to
make them see how their behavior affects us. If the behavior doesn't
change when we first bring it up, we want to talk more, longer, or
louder because we think maybe they didn't get it the first time. One of
the biggest pet peeves for men is that feeling of being nagged or
badgered, especially if they don't know what the problem really is.
Also, the rules of polite, kind, nice conversation that women try to
follow often come off as indirect, manipulative and mysterious to men.
Women often conclude that their husbands don't care because they haven't
changed after a particular conversation. The solution: learn
communication skills designed specifically to talk with men and spend
more time doing fun activities.
3. You believe that your happiness depends on your husband changing. Research has shown that happiness does increase when your husband changes for the better, but that change originates with you. Paradoxically,
the women who focused on becoming the person they want to be, rather
than on how to get their husband to change, were happier down the road.
The solution: focus on being the best you.
4. You live parallel lives. Living parallel lives with your husband is the slippery slope to disconnecting completely. The bonds of marriage thrive on having interest in one another, working toward common goals and spending time with one another. Couples
who are trying to reconnect after their children have left home often
come to realize that they don't know each other anymore. The solution:
take the time to know what's important to your husband and let him know
what's important to you.
5. You focus on what's wrong. One of the most difficult
scenarios I come across is a couple in which one or both people are
stuck viewing each other through a negative lens, expecting the worst.
Our brains do a wonderful job of seeing what we expect to see, and we
are much more likely to view our husbands as doing everything wrong when
we have developed a negative view of them. A relationship coach can
help you regain a balanced view. Contact me here to
help you find that balanced view. The solution: balance your concerns
with a positive view. A relationship thrives when we see our partner
through rose-colored glasses.
6. You utter these deadly words: "I deserve ... " These
words need to be banned from your vocabulary. The mentality that goes
along with using these words includes a form of entitlement that kills
the softness needed for a couple to cherish one another. Saying "I
deserve" is inherently a demand. It's very different from knowing
internally that you are worth more, and having the communication skills
necessary to ask for more. Knowing what you're worth helps you inspire
your husband to cherish you. The solution: focus on knowing your own
worth. Get clear about what's important to you in a relationship, and
learn how to ask for it.
Do you agree this steps help avoid divorce? Or better still on the comment page post your contribution on how to avoid divorce
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